


Even heroes have a day job (and villians, too)

by DreamsofArachne



Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: BAMF Raven, Charles and Erik being best frenemies, Everyday life for a teacher at a mutant school is hard, Gen, Implied Relationships, Logan thirst all around, No one has any boundaries, Silly, The Brotherhood has management issues, Xavier‘s has no Cybersecurity, chatroom, this has probably been done a hundred times before but idc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26458930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamsofArachne/pseuds/DreamsofArachne
Summary: Hank has created a X-Men Chatroom for the teachers to discuss problems and schoolwork. It doesn‘t really work out, at least, not the way anyone intended. X 1-ish universe.
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier, Hank McCoy/Raven | Mystique, Jean Grey/Logan (X-Men), Jean Grey/Scott Summers, onesided Logan/ pretty much everyone
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I‘ve been very sick lately and wrote this on a whim to cheer myself up, so this may not be the height of sophistication or originality, but I hope you enjoy anyway!

Cyclops20/20: So, what do you think about this Logan-guy? Total dickhead, right? 

LightningStruck: I think we could use a new face aroung here. He hasn't heard any of my lightning puns yet, so that's a bonus. 

Cyclops20/20: What an asshole. 

GrooviestTelepath: Scott, mind your language. The students keep hacking the chat, you have to set a good example. 

Jeanie300: Everyone keeps hacking the chat. And you have nothing to worry about from Logan, Scott. I love you. For some reason. Though I have to say, new guy is HOT.

MysteriousMystery: I hear he's a total hunk. Next fight is sure gonna be interesting. 

Yellooowfuture😉: Not exactly my type, but yes, you go girl👌😉🤪

MysteriousMystery: Call me girl again and I will end you. 

Toothy12: He's wildly overrated. I have claws, too. Plus I'm actually on your side. 

LightningStruck: Professor, who are these people? Is it the Brotherhood again? 

Yellooowfuture😉: 🥴😏👍

GrooviestTelepath: Well, it was inevitable. Hello, Raven. And whoever those other people are Erik runs around with nowadays. 

Toothy12: You all owe me screams. 

Cyclops20/20: Nice. I think Magneto has hit a new low. 

MasterofMagnetism: Discriminating against your own kind? How unsurprising. 

LightningStruck: Do you know what happens to a psychopathic mutant when he's struck by lightning? 

LightningStruck: The same thing that happens to a non-psychopathic mutant. 

Yellooowfuture😉: ? 🤔

GrooviestTelepath: I think what Ororo means is that mutants can be cruel, wrong, or just plain bad-mannered, just as much as humans can. You don't have to scream discrimination every time someone does not agree with you, Erik. 

MasterofMagnetism: Well, easy for you to stay on the high horse with your well-maintained mansion where people can sleep in actual beds and there is decent plumbing and warm meals. Sadly, there are few brothers and sisters who want to stand a little discomfort for the sake of mutant prosperity. But those who stay are real, hard fighters who will lead us to a better future.

Jeanie300: By speaking in emojis and making us scream? Suuuure. 

Yellooowfuture😉: 😢

MasterofMagnetism: I grant you, it takes a while to get used to them, but again, they‘re real, hard fighters. Not pampered schoolchildren who balk at having raw squid for dinner. 

GrooviestTelepath: Raw Squid?! Erik, where are you staying? Not some gloomy cave in the middle of nowhere again?

MasterofMagnetism: Like I'm going to tell you where my SECRET headquarters are. 

MysteriousMystery: It's a shithole. 

MasterofMagnetism: Mystique! 

Yellooowfuture😉: What she said...😔😔😔

MysteriousMystery: Yeah whatever. So what's the deal with Logan? Single? Seeing anyone? Preference for blue scales? 

Jeanie300: If he's seeing anyone, they're definetly not exclusive. Great bedroom-eyes, I tell you. 

Cyclops20/20: You only say that because you can't see my eyes behind the glasses. They're way sexier than his. 

Jeanie300: *Cough* Doubt it *Cough* 

MysteriousMystery: Wonderful. I could use some action. BADLY. 

LightningStruck: The Brotherhood not doing it for you? 

MysteriousMystery: Between the general unsexy atmosphere of rock, sea and cages and the company I have to say NOT at all. I mean, my choices are a guy whose idea of fun is jumping head first from the ceiling, spitting green goo and doing weird pantomimes for no reason and Sabertooth. Sure, mutant and proud and all, but I'm not letting those dirty nails anywhere near my skin. 

Toothy12: I clean them!...Sometimes. They‘re just more intimidating with the blood of my enemies still dripping from them.

MysteriousMystery: And there is always Erik, but he's old now so that won't be as fun as it was years ago... 

MasterofMagnetism: I take offense to that. 

GrooviestTelepath: We all get older, my friend, it's the cycle of life. I think you're doing fine. 

MasterofMagnetism: Why thank you, Charles, you too- 

GrooviestTelepath: You might even survive the year if manage not to catch pneumonia from that hellhole you‘re staying at.

MasterofMagnetism: You ruined it. 

Cyclops20/20: You know what Mystique, I'll set you up with Logan. You two run off together and never, EVER come back. 

Jeanie300: Would you just trust me for a second, Scott? Please, I don't think your set out to be a matchmaker. 

FireandFury: Taking bets now on who Dr. Grey will choose, Mr. Summers or Scruffy Revenant. 

Shadowkitty: I take five Dollars on Wolverine. 

Cyclops20/20: Go to sleep, you have school in the morning. _____________________________________________________________


	2. Chapter 2

TheWolverine: So, what's the plan for taking down the Brotherhood? 

Cyclops20/20: So he's part of the chat now. Great. 

LightningStruck: At least we can stop the pointless How-Sexy-Is-Logan discussions on here. You should be glad. 

Jeanie300: Admit you liked them. 

NotSoBeastly: Welcome to the chat, Logan. I should warn you right now that nothing you write is private and we get hacked like, every other week. So this isn't the best place to discuss taking down the Brotherhood. 

TheWolverine: Isn't the security of this place your job? 

NotSoBeastly: What, like I don't have enough on my plate? Seriously, you all expect me to fight the mutant cause, teach AND invent helpful gadgets for every situation and then you complain when something doesn't work exactly like you want! I have enough of this- this madness-... 

NotSoBeastly: I think I need a vacation. 

GrooviestTelepath: Take all the time you need. You deserve it. 

Toothy12: Why don't we ever get vacation time? We work way harder than those loser X-Men. 

NotSoBeastly: I doubt that. Have you ever tried to create a serum to suppress you mutation whilst battling an international terrorist and trying to woo a shapeshifter, at the same time also lending emotional support to the whole team and coming to terms with your real self? 

Toothy12: Ever kill ten humans in five minutes while also convincing them to scream? That‘s real work I tell you. 

MasterofMagnetism: No mutant should ever be proud to suppress their mutation, obviously you didn‘t come to terms with your „real self“ then. Also, I don‘t remember any emotional support from you. 

NotSoBeastly: At least I didn‘t throw people out of windows or go on crazy rants about how „we are the future and it‘s us against them“. You nearly killed the entire team twice during training! And of course I didn‘t support you, you were always hogging Charles and being antisocial to everyone else anyway. No support needed.

TheWolverine: So he was always an asshole.

MasterofMagnetism: Who are you again?

TheWolverine: Someone with actual authority to be here. This is supposed to be X-Men only as I‘ve heard it. 

NotSoBeastly: I WILL FIX IT I JUST NEED SOME TIME.

MysteriousMystery: Magneto is just trying to distract you from the vacation-thing. Hank, you ok? I know it‘s been a while...

Toothy12: Yes, I want a vacation. I‘ve been busting my ass for years now, not a day off!

Yellooowfuture😉 : Where would we even go?☀️☃️🌈😎

Toothy12: A place were can actually see daylight once in awhile would be nice. 

MasterofMagnetism: Thank you, Mystique. 

MasterofMagnetism: Also, Toad and Sabertooth, what are you doing in the chat? You‘re supposed to be recruiting new members for the Brotherhood!

Yellooowfuture😉: 😣🥱🤫😵

MasterofMagnetism: That is not an excuse! I‘m not paying you to be idle in the face of the Mutant cause!

MysteriousMystery: You‘re not paying us anything.

MasterofMagnetism: Making this world a better place for our fellow brothers and sisters is payment enough!

TheWolverine: Holy shit, Sabertooth, Magneto, Toad AND Mystique?! You weren't kidding about the security-thing. 

Jeanie300: It would probably also help if the Professor would stop inviting Magneto into the chat so they can play chess long distance. 

GrooviestTelepath: I did no such thing! Not at all. Never. 

Jeanie300: You know I‘m also a telepath. You keep thinking about your next move when we link, wich is boring as hell but also kind of telling.

GrooviestTelepath: ...Logan, how do you like the school so far? Are you settling in?

Toothy12: Hey boss, you told us you infiltrated the chat using your superior hacking skills! 

MysteriousMystery: We all should have known that something was wrong right then. 

MasterofMagnetism: What's that supposed to mean? 

TheWolverine: So, Jean, you have time to show me around the school this evening? Y'know, just the two of us, alone, talking about...school stuff. Settling in, that kind of thing.

Jeanie300: Sure why not. 

Cyclops20/20: What? 

Shadowkitty: 10 Dollars on Logan. 

FireandFury: Anyone else wanna get in on the action? Bobby the Boring, how about you?

I.C.E.fingers: I‘ll say Logan, only because I don‘t like the way Rogue looks at him sometimes. 

Shadowkitty: Don‘t worry, he‘s just hot, there is no way you can have eyes and not appreciate him for that. I think Rogue really loves you. *sigh*...

Shadowkitty: I mean, yay!

FireandFury: Do I sense new betting pool coming along?


	3. Chapter 3

MasterofMagnetism: Charles, since you‘re not answering ANY phones apparently, I‘ll just say it here. Your new article on the future of Mutant progress is unbearably naive, overly optimistic and alltogether wrong in places! Have you learnt nothing from the past, honestly?!

MasterofMagnetism: Charles?

MasterofMagnetism: ...I‘m assuming you‘re in class.

LightningStruck: No he isn‘t.

Jeanie300: Aren‘t YOU supposed to be in class, Ororo?

LightningStruck: I just gave them silent worktime and told John not to light anyone on fire. They‘ll be fine. 

LightningStruck: Hey, you‘re teaching combat this morning! What are you doing here?

Jeanie300: I got Logan to cover for me. I’m practicing to hit the keys with telekinesis. 

LightningStruck: Sweet. 

MasterofMagnetism: Some of you useless X-Men go get Charles! We need to have our weekly argument about the future of humans and mutants!

TheWolverine: You know you‘ve got a problem, bub. Admitting it is half the battle.

Jeanie300: Why are you typing? What about the students?

TheWolverine: It‘s fine. I just locked them in the danger room and cranked up all the settings to max. Thought it was time for some tough love. 

TheWolverine: Someone keeps screaming for help, but I‘m sure they all got it under control.

LightningStruck: Logan, have you actually ever...taught pupils before?

TheWolverine: How would I know? Maybe. I think I got it all figured out- isn‘t exactly rocket science. 

TheWolverine: Oh, now someone is literally howling and crashing against the door over and over again. That‘s normal, right?

GrooviestTelepath: Jean I think you better get over there. 

MasterofMagnetism: You have NOT been reading this the whole time and ignoring me!!! We need to talk about that atrocious article!

GrooviestTelepath: Listen, old friend, I‘ve had some...revelations lately...Forty years is really enough time to have the same argument over and over, don‘t you think? I already know exactly what you want to say about that article, and you know that I will disagree on every point. I thought I‘d skip the whole tiresome charade for once.

MasterofMagnetism: Tiresome charade?! I see. So who is responsible for your change in tune, Charles?

TheWolverine: I told him he is wasting his energies with you and that we should invest more time in taking you down. It‘s really weird that you are friends. 

LightningStruck: I know, right? It‘s like they‘ve been struck by lightning when it comes to the other. And we all know what happens when you‘re struck by lightning. :)

Jeanie300: Logan STOP TYPING AND HELP ME WITH THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE DANGER ROOM?!

MasterofMagnetism: Brotherhood, you have a new mission: Kill the Wolverine, preferably by cutting him up in little pieces and sending them to me! Get to work!

Toothy12: What do you think I‘ve been trying to do since he showed up? Man, I never get credit for anything.

GrooviestTelepath: I think you overreacting a bit, my friend. 

MysteriousMystery: Not that I‘m complaining Erik, but have you ever noticed that your first solution to every problem is always to kill someone?

MasterofMagnetism: KILLING IS EFFECTIVE. 

GrooviestTelepath: It really isn‘t. 

MasterofMagnetism: Oh so now you‘re trying to argue with me

MysteriousMystery: You guys are worse than an old married couple. Couldn‘t we just do something to Logan‘s brain or something so that he has to serve us forever?

Yellooowfuture😉: 👌😍💪🏼👍

MasterofMagnetism: Mystique, find someone else to sleep with. We‘re killing Logan.

TheWolverine: Good luck with that, bub.

GrooviestTelepath: Do I smell something burning?

MasterofMagnetism: Is that supposed to be an insult? You know, frankly I‘m offended that you would-

GrooviestTelepath: Don‘t take everything so personally, I think I *actually* smell something burning. Someone ought to check on that.

LightningStruck: SHIT, John! Igottagobye-

MasterofMagnetism: Charles, the state of your staff really leaves much to be desired, it seems. The kind of chaos I‘m witnessing on a daily basis since I‘m part of this chat is stupendous. I would not stand for it, myself.

GrooviestTelepath: Stop being a hypocrite down in your gloomy cave with the people you keep on for unpaid labour. I have to go, we‘re having a bit of a crisis.

MasterofMagnetism: And what help could you possibly be during a fire?

MasterofMagnetism: I‘m sorry that just came out. I‘m annoyed because you won‘t discuss the article, pay it no mind.

MasterofMagnetism: Really very sorry, my friend.

MasterofMagnetism: Charles!

MasterofMagnetism: I already apologised! 

MasterofMagnetism: Charles?

MasterofMagnetism: So...are we still on for chess next Friday?

GrooviestTelepath: Of course.

MasterofMagnetism: Wonderful. You had me worried there for a moment.

GrooviestTelepath: We should definitely meet, if only so I can tell you in person exactly what I thought about your latest pamphlet. 

TheWolverine: Well, I tried.


End file.
